It seems many people are more concerned about their pets going to Heaven than whether they are going to Heaven!

I don’t want to be misunderstood about my position because I always had a dog when I was a boy. I know the camaraderie one can have with a pet. Of course, they should never be tortured although this generation has gone to extremes in building elaborate houses for pets, expensive clothes, jewelry, and even burying them in pet cemeteries after an elaborate funeral. I think that is excessive but it is none of my business how one spends his money.

The above is my opinion, now for some facts about pets and Heaven.

There is plenty of evidence that animals have performed amazing feats of saving lives, working as drug sniffers, and even “bird dogging” cancer. Of course, the daily invaluable service that dogs do for the blind and disabled is sterling.

All that said, such good deeds do not qualify pets for Heaven. Since people can’t get to Heaven by good works, we can be sure animals will not! Fido, Fluffy, and Felix may be lovable and worthy pets but they will not be in Heaven.

Two Evangelicals have written a book that posits the possibility that pets do go to Heaven! They state, “It [animals in Heaven] seems to be one of the biggest secrets in Christianity that our Western mindset has made it difficult to discuss what people in other countries as well as theologians down through time believed to be an important and theological question.” Well, in the overall scheme of things, pets in Heaven is not a major concern nor is it an “important and theological question.”

We are assured that “celebrated theologians and philosophers…concluded a long time ago based on these Scriptures that our pets most likely will be in heaven.” The authors reveal that Billy Graham, C.S. Lewis, and others believed animals would be in Heaven. However, theologians and philosophers are not Heaven’s gatekeepers.

Then the authors do some bait and switch when they declare, “there are plenty of verses in Scripture indicating the presence of animals in the coming kingdom of God.” Note the use of “kingdom of God” rather than Heaven. Then they call on Isaiah for help but without success. They go to Isaiah 11 where the wolf lies with the lamb and the calf and bear feed together and a child leads them. However, a sharp teen at a Bible preaching church knows that passage refers to the Millennial Kingdom, not to Heaven.

The authors continued in their downward spiral: “The prophet Isaiah is famous for this future glimpse depicting people dwelling with animals, whose aggressive nature will have been reprogrammed and tamed by God in the kingdom.” Again, the animals are “reprogrammed” for the Kingdom–not Heaven.

In desperation for support, the authors seek to make the symbolism in Revelation of animal faces a justification for the possibility of pets in Heaven. Real stretch! They continued their desperate reach by using God’s concern for sparrows in Matthew 10:29 (which is to show how much He cares for humans) as proof that pets will be in Heaven. So if sparrows are in Heaven then our pets are also; however, just because God chose to use sparrows to express His concern for humans does not prove there will be animals in Heaven.

We are assured that there are pets in Heaven because God spared Nineveh (Jonah 4:11) because of so many people and cattle; however, God sparing people and cattle is no reason to suggest that cattle, crows, and crocodiles go to Heaven! Or mice, monkeys, and moose (or is that meese?).

We are told that there are numerous horses in Heaven and “His Son, Jesus, will even return someday on one such horse.” About those horses in Heaven: Have they always been there? Moreover, who is cleaning out the heavenly stables at this time? Backslidden Methodists? Were horses taken there from earth upon their demise? If so, do all horses go to Heaven? What about donkeys, dogs, and dinosaurs? And yes, the Bible teaches that Christ will return on a white horse and if that is a literal horse, which the text seems to indicate, does that mean pets go to Heaven? Could not horses be created when needed?

Another writer champions pets in Heaven because God told Adam to name the animals and did not tell him to name the vegetation! No, I don’t think the writer was a theologian. Adam giving names to animals says nothing about pets in Heaven. “But Adam was not told to name the plants.” No, but it is reasonable for animals to have names or people would have said, “Be careful, don’t step on that long, slimy thing on the path.” Or, “It is time for me to go milk the ‘what-do-you-call-it.’” Or, “I think I will go for a ride on the beast that gallops and eats apples like Adam and Eve.’” Or, be careful or you will get stung by that flying ‘thingamajig.’”

Do only “nice” animals go to Heaven and nasty animals such as tigers, tarantulas, and termites go to Hell? I’m sure most people would agree that if there is an afterlife for animals then rattlesnakes and mosquitoes go to Hell.

God breathed into man not animals and Ecclesiastes 3:21, states: “Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit (breath) of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?” Humans and animals have different “breaths.”

Sorry, but there are no Poodles in Paradise, just people (and angelic beings) saved by the grace of God!

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Pope Francis caused a major stir recently when he made an ambiguous statement about animals in Heaven. Even CNN admitted that “it’s unclear what he believes about this;” however, I am not unclear what I believe about this.

Christ declared that in the last days of mankind even church leaders would be “blind.” He said in Rev. 3:17: “Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked.” I can testify to that since I have preached in a few thousand churches in my lifetime. Our churches are rather rich and think they have need of nothing and don’t know that they are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked. And if that is true of Bible-preaching churches, it is sure true of churches where the Bible is not held in the highest esteem.

The Apostle Paul wrote in Rom. 1:28 “And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient.” That is obvious in many different ways but especially in churches where animals are considered almost like humans. While pets are desirable and even loveable, they are still pets and will not go to Heaven.

Ecc. 3:21 informs us “Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth.” That clearly teaches that animals go to the earth in death. However, modern church leaders have twisted the Bible like a pretzel to comport with confused desires of pet lovers. I call them the Fido-in-Heaven crowd.

The Associated Press ran a story about a Presbyterian Church in LA that “has turned God’s house into a doghouse” for one service each Sunday. Boy, that pastor knows what the Gospel is, doesn’t he! That dude should be out selling insurance or grave plots not discrediting, desecrating, and defiling God’s house. That church service is called “Canines at Covenant” and has individual doggie beds, dog treats, and canine prayers! Yes, that church has “gone to the dogs” and the dogs are going to church but not to Heaven!

The flakey pastor said, “Many Christians love their pets as much as human family members, but churches have been slow to recognize that love as the work of God….When we love a dog and a dog loves us, that’s a part of God and God is a part of that.” The AP article did not report any Bible verses to support the radical reverend’s rant. (I have a hunch where that pastor is going.)

The Roman poet, Juvenal, reported that as the Roman family disintegrated along with the empire, that wealthy women preferred lap dogs over children. Are there portents of that in America and Canada?

A Boston suburb has dog-friendly worship services called “Woof ‘n Worship.” Fido, Fluffy, and Felix may be made deacons or elders in the near future in some of those churches but those pets will not go to Heaven! Such Fido-in-Heaven pastors were greatly encouraged by the nonsense spouted by the Pope recently.

Well, since pets are going to church what happens when they die. For sure, they are not going to Heaven.

Today, there are nearly 600 functioning pet cemeteries in the United States and even some traditional funeral homes are now permitting companion animal burial. One dog’s tombstone promised, “Until We Meet in Heaven.” Another declared, “We Pray That We Will Meet Again.”

There are Catholic Collies, Methodist Malteses, Presbyterian Poodles, but they are not Christian and will not be in Heaven. Nor will Mormon Mutts, Baptist Bulldogs, Pentecostal pooches, or Lutheran Labs.

Priests and monks of the Franciscan Order bless animals on Oct. 4 on the feast day of Francis of Assisi. Even Episcopalians are trooping after the Catholics in this heretical practice.

Much of this absurdity is promoted by bestselling books such as Dog Heaven, followed by Cat Heaven, and The Heaven of Animals teaching that “when dogs get to heaven they’re welcomed by name, and angels know every dog’s favorite game,” and where “horses in heaven are never alone, and grass is much sweeter than grass here at home.” Gag! That was written by a nondenominational, evangelical Christian!

Face it: there will be no poodles in paradise! Even Saint Bernards won’t be in Heaven.

Not sure about Popes!

http://bit.ly/1iMLVfY Watch these 8 minute videos of my lecture at the University of North Dakota: “A Christian Challenges New Atheists to Put Up or Shut Up!”

PETA (is that People Eating Tasty Animals?) and other animal rights groups became famous for defense of whales, spotted owls, baby seals (no concern for baby humans), snail darters and yellow belly sapsuckers, but where do they stand on cockroaches? (Of course, I doubt that they would actually stand on the defenseless creatures.) It is a serious question: did PETA know about the contest and that the contestants were eating live roaches? My sources could not confirm whether the live roaches were eaten with or without a special sauce.

If the roaches had to be dead, must they have died of natural causes? Would it have been acceptable if they had been crushed? If it was alright for disturbed humans to eat dead roaches, would it have mattered how the roaches left this world? Did PETA even know about this cruel contest? Aren’t they concerned about less impressive creatures? PETA sure makes a big deal about dogs, deer, and dolphin; wolves; whales, and wallabies; bats, bears, and beavers; crabs, crows, and cheetahs but not the cockroach!

So why all this discrimination against roaches? Sounds like elitism to me and the state legislature should hold hearings to guarantee equal rights among creeping, crawling creatures. I’m not referring to politicians, but to cockroaches. But come to think of it…

Did the Florida Board of Health approve and supervise the contest? After all, they are the last protection between the consumer and what is consumed whether it is roasts or roaches. Is a license required to have a roach-eating contest and if so, what is the cost? I assume the owner must display the license in a prominent place so all contestants can be assured that all state requirements have been met. What are those requirements? If there aren’t any regulations then what is going on? How dare the legislature not jump into the roach-eating business. Let’s have some new regulations.

Is there an open season on roaches in Florida and if so, how many can a hunter (or is he a “roacher”) take in a day? If he takes more than his limit, is he fined? Does he lose his “roach pouch” and lose his license? How much does the license cost, and is an out-of-state license available?

Are the roaches hunted with a nail at the end of a stick or is it kosher to simply step on the running creatures with a number 12 brogan? But then, that would be messy to eat such a mashed creature.

With many species, only the males can be hunted, so is that true with roaches? But then, how does an honest hunter (as opposed to a poacher who wouldn’t care) delineate between the male and female? Is the male roach, like the male peacock, adorned with shocking beauty or is he dull, dirty, and dismal like the females (roaches, of course,) that most of us know about?

So where was PETA in all this, after all they have always taken the position that all animals, not just the cute, furry ones, need protection from thoughtless, crude, cruel, hateful, humans? Surely some state law if not federal law was broken during the contest.

I may antagonize some folk by reminding my readers that God would not approve roach eating for He gave instructions about eating in Lev. 11:43, “Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth, neither shall ye make yourselves unclean with them, that ye should be defiled thereby.” That settles it for me. I won’t be competing in a roach-eating contest regardless of the grand prize. I might be convinced to go roach hunting (and permit others to do the eating) if the license is not too costly and the price paid for my roaches is high enough.

The store owner said that the roach-eater winner was very nice, adding that Edward was “the life of the party.” Not anymore. Ed dropped dead as he left the scene. Not sure if he had his python in hand. His roach-eating days are over. Recently the media announced that Ed died of suffocation. He tried to eat and breathe at the same time. He may have been nice but not too smart.

I suppose the winner’s family got his winnings: the snake. The world is crazy. Some people die on the battlefield, protecting freedom; others die on American streets trying to protect innocent citizens and apprehend the bad guys; still others die in pursuit of discovery of cures for exotic diseases and this guy dies after stuffing his mouth full of live roaches!
I remind you that people like Ed and the other contestants can legally vote for officials who run our governments! Moreover, such people continue to contribute to the gene pool.

Maybe we can blame roach eating contests on the farce of evolution–their brains did not develop, consequently the roaches have larger brains than the roach eaters. That would explain many things.

I try to have a thought in each column for readers to ponder and gain from, in addition to being informative, instructive, and sometimes inspiring, with a touch of humor. The “take away” today is: Don’t cram your mouth full of live roaches and try to breath at the same time. It will be a “grave” mistake.

Furthermore, I found a good recipe for barbecued spotted owl breast with a tangy snail darter sauce that PETA followers might enjoy. Contact me at DBoysphd@aol.com  for further information. Right now, I must return my tongue (that was placed firmly in cheek) to its normal position. There, that’s better.