During the Cold War with the Soviet Union between 1945 and 1991, many nations had developed or were developing nuclear weapons. Our citizens lived in a strained but fairly safe world with America and Russia’s huge inventories of nuclear bombs. We lived under the M.A.D. doctrine, standing for Mutually Assured Destruction. The reasoning was simple if primitive: You bomb us and we will bomb you. You bomb us even more and we step up our next bombing of you–until the world is a wasteland. It worked. There were regional wars from time to time in Korea, Vietnam, etc., but neither side was stupid enough to use nuclear weapons.

It was the deterrence principle: a well-armed nation, determined to live safely, would ensure peace. The thinking was that no sane national leader would jeopardize their own security, even existence, by launching a terrorist attack on a nation that could and would destroy them.

But that is now passé. Maniacal Muslim monsters don’t care if they live or die nor do they feel any concern for their people. In fact, the possibility of being blasted into eternity with a nuclear bomb is somewhat intriguing to them, enhanced by the thought of being welcomed by 72 green-eyed virgins.

If we are going to have any sense of security in a world dominated by fools, fanatics, and fascists then we must crawl into the minds of Muslim fanatics and try to “work their system.” I think I have succeeded in doing that and might be able to suggest a kind of program that would guarantee an unsteady but mutual peace.

President Obama should speak to the whole world before the United Nations and declare:

“We Americans want to live in peace; however, there are some religious fanatics who teach that they must some day rule the world whether through personal conversion or political control. We will not permit that to occur. We are rather satisfied with our nation as it is. Therefore, from this date, supported by my Joint Chiefs of Staff and the U.S. Congress, the U.S. has made the following decision that is not dependent upon the approval of any other nation or entity.

“If and when any Muslim nation or Muslim group attacks the U.S. (excepting obvious small, independent, maverick attacks), U.S. bombers will immediately fly, at my command, to Saudi Arabia and bomb the two holy cities of Mecca and Medina. However, their payload will be pig’s entrails, discarded and spoiled hog meat, and tons of pig dung (provided enthusiastically by pig farmers in Iowa) that will saturate both cities from city limit to city limit. The land, buildings, and any people there will be totally contaminated.

“Muslims will not permit any non-Muslim to enter Mecca or Medina; however, after an attack upon America, Porky Pig, Miss Piggy, and their friends are coming to town. You can count on it. That is one promise I promise to keep.

“After thoroughly bombing both cities, one of our planes with a piggybacked block-buster bomb will put it down on top of the holy Ka’ba leaving, if I may quote Jesus Christ, not one stone left standing upon another. This is not desirable but it is better than bombing the two cities back to the Stone Age.

“We have no desire to kill or injure any person or drop bacon grease on anyone’s head, however, this is a commitment the American people have made through their representatives and we will not back off. There will be no further delay, discussion, or debate. After an attack upon us (and we confirm that the perpetrators were Muslims), the pig poop and bacon drippings will fall. Not pennies from Heaven but pork from Heaven!

“In kindness, we have made this decision hoping that no Muslim leader would want to stand before Allah and be held accountable for the total destruction of the Ka’ba and the contamination of the two holy cities of Islam.

“Our desire is to provide some assurance of a peaceful existence of American citizens– Muslims and non-Muslims. We expect all Muslim leaders to announce this promise to every Muslim on earth.

“If I may quote one of America’s prestigious philosophers, Porky Pig: ‘That, that, that’s all folks.’”

Now, I am a very simple person. If I lived in Mecca or Medina and America were attacked by a Muslim terrorist, I would head for the hills, or rather the desert. After the “bombing,” the Muslim religion would not permit citizens of the two holy cities to clean up the pig poop but I know some Baptists who would do it for $100.00 per shovelful, plus expenses. Yes, it would be costly and it would take many years to decontaminate the cities, but oil at $90.00 a barrel would finance the clean up. And Baptists tithe on their income!

Some won’t like my plan, thinking it is too frivolous or flakey, or fantasy but it is better than our present plan which offers no protection! It may not work, but the threat might restrict some of the faithful fanatics. After all, there is power in poop, especially pig poop.

As my friend Porky Pig says, “That, that, that’s all folks.”

A ruggedly handsome, elegantly dressed man sits at his table in an expensive San Francisco hotel restaurant casually opening his morning mail. Slitting open a plain envelope, his own business card falls onto the table. Picking it up he reads, “Have Gun—Will Travel! Wire Paladin, San Francisco.”

Such was the regular opening of a 1957 popular television show set in the late 1800s that ran for six years, always in the top five. Accompanying his card was always a letter from someone in the Wild West who needed help from Paladin, a hired gun or medieval champion. The letter always convinced him to leave his comfortable hotel suite, dressed in black—wearing his famous gun, board a train, and travel to the troubled area to right some wrong.

President Bush thinks of himself as a modern Paladin: “Have Gun—Will Travel! Contact Bush, Washington, D.C.” The President has announced his desire to bring democracy and freedom to all parts of the world. Sensible people desire that every person on earth live in freedom; however, Bush has no constitutional authority to pursue that lofty goal. Furthermore, how practical is it to force our form of government on people with no concept of freedom and its obligations?

As to Muslim nations, the concept of democracy is totally unacceptable since it conflicts with the Koran and the Hadith. Those two “holy” books are the basis of all Islamic governments thereby not permitting freedom of religion, freedom of press, equal rights for women, etc. Hasn’t someone explained to the President that it is impossible for a Koranic nation to be a democracy?

Mr. Bush must understand that he is President not Paladin. He is limited by the chains of the Constitution and would we want it otherwise? Even if Congress authorized his altruistic adventures, they would still be illegal! After all, who made the U.S. the policeman of the world? Are we required to right every wrong? Do we have enough manpower to accomplish that task? Do we have unlimited funds to finance such activities? Was Jefferson wrong when he warned of getting involved in entangling alliances?

Does our position as world leader permit or require us to invade any nation at will to right all the wrongs? If so, will that principle be advocated when China is the world leader? If not, what is the difference? Is it because capitalism is good while communism is bad? Who defines “good” and “bad”? And while we are righting the wrongs, why have we not righted the wrongs in Cuba only ninety miles from our coast? Don’t the Cubans have a right to freedom? At least they have experience with freedom and democracy.

If Bush is so concerned with spreading freedom and taking on tyranny then he could stop giving two billion dollars annually to Egypt that has been under “Emergency Rule” for 25 years! The Land of the Pharaohs is also a place where prisoners are routinely tortured and vocal pro-freedom leaders are often jailed. In fact, Coptic Christians are being persecuted as I write. Where is Paladin? Bush is not concerned about Egyptian freedom.

How about freedom in Saudi Arabia? Has Bush demanded that his oil buddies in the House of Saud travel the road to democracy? Has he demanded the right for me to start the Trinity Baptist Church in Mecca? Maybe I could rent the Kaaba since it is not used on Sundays! Or maybe Bush could at least demand the right of U.S. diplomats to have a worship service in our own embassy each Sunday! All right, how about demanding the right for Americans who keep the oil flowing to have a worship service with their own family members without being arrested by the Saudi religious police! No, you have not heard Bush push freedom that far. Wonder why not?

Our international Paladin has declared war on “evil” and “terror” when it is not only unconstitutional but ridiculous. How will we know when the war is won? When evil and terror no longer exist? That will not happen, at least not until God does it.

The television Paladin did not declare war on every bad guy in the West but only by request on specific ones, so he always knew whether he was successful. (He was always successful!) However, in the real world, Bush can enumerate the bad guys his troops have captured or blasted into “Paradise,” but there is an ever expanding horde of religious fanatics who are willing to face him at high noon on the “dusty streets of Laredo.” Unlike the TV Paladin, Bush has no assurance he will win the shoot-out.

The President is fighting an enemy he does not understand nor is willing to understand. He glibly speaks of resisting “terror over there so we won’t have to fight them over here!” He does not realize that the battle could last a hundred years because the enemy is going to fight us no matter what we do until, as a nation, we capitulate to Muslim law. We will have to fight the enemy whatever our successes or failures in other nations. All Muslims know that they can never co-exist with non-Muslims except during a time of their weakness. When they reach the necessary strength, any temporary co-existence will cease. Would someone please tell President Bush that simple, shocking, and salient fact?

The President is not willing to say, “Our battle is with Koranic Muslims” who pursue martyrdom with gusto. Bush is like a wayward, warped Paladin who rides off helter-skelter to western towns looking for bad guys to shoot down. Paladin never ran out of bad guys to plug with his trusty .45 until the series ended. Someone should tell the President that this isn’t make-believe and the Muslim fanatics will continue to come and his pandering to Islam only enables them.

We had better plan for a very, very long bloody conflict with Koranic Muslims even if we declare victory and slip out of Iraq some night—before the 2008 elections. This global battle against evil and terror is one fight our hapless Paladin cannot win.