Violence in America: Ban all Guns, Knives, Bats, Bras, and Rocks!

Enough is enough. Today two more 6-year old students in Maryland were suspended for pretending to throw rocks at each other on the playground. It’s about time we got serious about the violence that rocks (especially assault rocks) play in our society and we must act now. I have a suggestion. If we are really serious about protecting people from violence we should ban all guns, knives, hammers, clubs, (far more people were killed last year with hammers and clubs than with assault rocks), frozen meat, bats, bras (since one man killed his wife with her bra), and rocks. Rocks are really dangerous since they are so plentiful and easily attained. Students will go from pretending to throw rocks to actually throwing them! Stop the madness now with a ban on all rocks.

Let’s not play around with this issue when lives are in the balance. Get serious and eventually ban all rocks, in all places, all weights, and all sizes. I mean if we save even one life, it will be worthwhile. I know the conservative bleating hearts will scream but they are mean, mad, and malicious people. Who cares what they think? They spend all their time clinging to their rocks as they read their Bibles, so who cares about them? They drive around town in their pickup trucks with a huge load of rocks in the bed. What does an honest person need with all those dangerous rocks?

All sane people know rocks are evil. Is it necessary to remind anyone of the use that rocks play in the religion of Islam? Children, especially boys, seem to have a tendency to throw rocks at other children, birds, cats, and other innocent animals. Rocks are evil and must be illegal.

Maybe not today, but soon America will be rock-less except for police, FBI, CIA, FEMA, IRS, BATF, military, security guards, celebrity bodyguards, senators, etc. Only the elite need rocks.

It may be difficult to ban all rocks since the National Rock Association (NRA) is such a powerful and heartless organization and all the rednecks belong to it. The (NRA) is getting rich from fees by selling memberships, coffee mugs, sweatshirts, etc. So we may have to ban the biggest rocks and eventually ban smaller rocks when another tragedy happens. You know, don’t let a crisis go to waste. We must take advantage of every situation to eventually take every rock away from every American. You know, a totally rock-less America.

For a while we will have to settle for getting rid of rocks incrementally, and to begin with, we can license all rock carriers. We can charge large fees for their license, the bigger the rock, the bigger the fee. This will also give us a list of all rock owners and their locations.

Arrest any person seen with a rock unless he has a permit to carry. Even then, the size and shape of the rock should be restricted. Some rocks are more dangerous than others. I remind the heathen out there that little David killed a giant of a man with a smooth rock but he had five rocks. It should have been illegal for him to have an excess of rocks. That is over-kill. The law must stipulate that no person can have more than one rock in his possession at any time. After all, why does a person need more than one rock? Such people are obviously up to no good and innocent lives are at stake.

Rocks should be registered as to size, weight, color, and sharp edges and kept under lock and key by rock owners. Of course, no felon or mentally unstable person should be permitted to possess dangerous rocks, so no politician can legally have rocks–Not too sure how small or large a prohibited rock should be but we’ll leave that small detail to the regulators. Surely we can trust them to be reasonable.

Until we can pass laws banning all rocks, we should go after all Rock Throwing Clubs where their sole purpose is to kill innocent and helpless creatures. Such clubs should be disbanded along with all Rock Throwing Ranges where they practice their rock throwing. After all, such activities are dangerous and will destroy a neighborhood. Also, none of those ranges did an environmental impact study before they were built so we can close them down without new laws! We should use any pretext to destroy the whole rock business.

Rock fanatics will resist these common sense suggestions and speak of never, never giving up their rock until it is pried from their cold, stiff fingers. Well, we can arrange that.

 

Ban all Assault Rocks Since Rocks Kill People!

If we can’t ban all rocks outright (especially assault rocks), we should make a big push to license every rock owner and have every rock listed in a national register. I mean, the authorities have a responsibility to know where the rocks are across the nation. Register and photograph every rock. Then, when the time is right, we can take every rock since we know where all rocks are located. As for now, we should not make a big deal out of confiscation since such talk makes rock owners froth at the mouth and it must be remembered that they own rocks and know how to use them. Many of them possess assault rocks! No sane person can justify a private citizen having such a weapon.

We can make an impact on the rock-throwing plague by forbidding rock shows where anonymous, often violent rednecks can buy, sell, and trade rocks with no control. That must stop. They do not have the right to trade in dangerous weapons that only special people should have.

Moreover, a background check must be made for all rock sales whether at a rock show or by a licensed rock dealer. And the information required must be extensive. Further information can be obtained from medical doctors since almost everyone goes to a doctor. The questions must be asked: “Do you own rocks and where are they kept? What is the size of each rock? Are they registered? Why do you have rocks in your home? Do children have access to those lethal rocks? Do the children throw your rocks, and if so, how often?”

Each major city might try a “Buy-Back Program” whereby rock owners will turn in their rocks for a pittance. Although we must be careful so that they don’t sell their trash rocks only to procure better, more lethal rocks. That happened in Australia where almost everything is banned including guns, knives, and swords, so maybe butter knives are next. The Aussies also discovered that when many brow-beaten rock owners sold their best rocks, those rocks were not destroyed as promised but ended up in the basements of some local police chiefs! Some wily Aussies also replaced inferior rocks with better, more dangerous imported rocks. We also don’t want people knowing that crime stats went into the stratosphere when many homes became rock-less.

In millions of American homes there are lethal rocks lying around accessible to small children. If we can’t ban and confiscate (for that’s what we want) those rocks (at this time) we must at least force rock owners to keep them out of the hands of innocent children. All rocks, of all sizes, must be in a rockbox with the key in a safe deposit box at the local bank. While some rock fanatics who cling to their rocks and their Bibles will think that extreme, if only one life will be saved it would be worth the small inconvenience. The law should stipulate that in event of a home invasion, the state would not be held culpable for the loss of life or property of the rock owner who had no time to procure his locked up rock. It is scandalous that many Americans have a rock or two beside their bed.

If kids see rocks that have been glamorized throughout American history as bringing safety and victory over foreign enemies and domestic terrorists, they will be tempted to take the rocks to school or a park with horrendous results. We have grown up seeing the Wild West glorified as a brave young marshal faces down the evil Miller gang and kills them all with his six rocks hanging from his belt. Such glorification promotes rocks as good and glorious, and great, even grand. That must stop.

My family has been a rock-collecting and rock-throwing family for many generations. My ancestors carried a few rocks to America on the Mayflower to protect themselves against the dangerous Native Americans. While having those rocks was contrary to the spirit, if not the letter, of the Mayflower Compact, there was a perceived need for protection. I am ashamed of those rock-owning relatives. Maybe I can go on Oprah and express my regrets and remorse to get redemption.

My rock-carrying relatives were even at Concord and faced the Redcoats who came to confiscate the store of rocks at the local armory and to kidnap John Hancock and John Adams. Early the morning of April 19 the members of Pastor Jonas Clarke’s congregation who “had been trained for such a day” faced the British Redcoats all loaded down with lethal rocks. One of the Redcoats threw the first rock that reverberated around the world and the Americans responded with a volley of their own rocks. Many Redcoats and Americans were killed on the Village Green that morning with spent rocks all around their bodies. The Redcoats fled back to Boston being pelted by rocks all the way. The British had 273 causalities and Americans 95.

Rocks are important to American History but that fact should not be emphasized to young students. They should learn how evil rocks are. If the Americans at Concord had not been heavily armed, no one would have died. The rock supply along with John Hancock and John Adams could have been surrendered to the British while the Redcoats and Minute Men had a spot of tea on the village green and everyone would be safe and happy. And British.

Every generation of Americans kept a rock above the fireplace for family protection. Many Indians on the warpath felt the wrath of many family rocks. We have a violent history.

Now the Washington politicians are determined to eventually take away all rocks! If we are successful with banning rocks, we should then go after dreadlocks since a man strangled his girlfriend with dreadlocks. Dreadlocks are dangerous and should be banned.

After all, if one life is saved!

EVOLUTION

Fact, Fraud or Faith?

by Don Boys, Ph.D.

EVOLUTION

Only an uninformed fanatic says that evolution or creation can be proved scientifically. Christians believe in creationism because we believe in the veracity of the Bible but we also have scientific evidence to support our position. In every debate I’ve had with evolutionary scientists, the arrogant, asinine accusation is made, “Well, evolution is scientific while creationism is religion.” Evolution is about as scientific as a voodoo rooster plucking ceremony in Haiti. Almost.

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